.
Prayer works. Period.
Now here is the thing that most refuse to acknowledge: "prayer" just means to ask (preferably out loud).
Most assume that it is prayer to their specific God or gods that gets the results but in my own life I have prayed to God (FYI, Yahweh/Allah = the same as the God of Christians), I have prayed out to the universe in general, and I have even prayed to the center of my own body. ALL PRAYERS WORKED.
I know that no matter to whom I direct the asking, I always WILL get an answer and the answer seems to almost always be YES. "Ask and you shall receive" is the best quote from Jesus because it is true for so much more than just Christianity.
I titled this entry "The Blasphemy of Prayer" because I know that my connection to whatever the source of all these things is does not require me to call it by a specific name and will give what I ask regardless of what I call it as long as there is a confidence of belief. It is FAITH that gives then I suppose. It is the unwavering belief that creates things in life. I just have to be sure to concentrate on being confident in my desires.
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Thursday, December 10, 2009
ACCENTUATING THE LONE IDENTITY
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The saying is "No (wo)man is an island". But it is hard NOT to feel like an island when so much of my time is spent in isolation and and seperation even when in a crowd. I havent had a best homegirl since when I stayed with my cousin. And I havent had any truly go to friends since my best friend moved to Portland about two years ago.
Even at work I feel off to myself. No one but the new girl ever bothers to ask if I want to go to breakfast or coffee or break or lunch so I usually do all of the above alone.
Socially I go to every event by myself even though I don't have a car and would hope that SOMEONE would offer to take me to or from somewhere. I have a lot of pleasant acquaintences but when the chips are down I don't really have any deep connections.
I did have People Unlimited where I had a place where it was safe to be the me that I have known since I was 16. But even in that crowd I have not made any truly deep connections. The falling out I had with my best friend of that group back in May never healed so that created a seemingly irreperable rift. I did try to reconcile several times but when I am told that emails are ignored and roommates suggest further seperation and breaching the subject just inspires a change of subject, well... I just gave up. Plus my belief in God is a silent unspoken separator.
And then there is my living situation. I live alone (by choice but still). So "home" is a fortress of solitude. It used to be the place where I could recharge and recenter from the hectic outside world. Now it is just one more place to be a party of one.
And yet... the consistency of not being able to count on people for even the smallest of things makes me very hesitant to change this existence where my thought is "if I can't do it myself, it just isn't going to get done" even my furniture is such that I can move alone if necessary (which I did move myself the last three times I moved in the past year). This deep feeling of not being able to count on people in general is creating a very negative space in my existence. The problem is the only thing that will change my perception is examples of the contrary and the fear of inevitable disappointment makes me hesitate to even put anyone in that position in my life.
I'm not sure what to do about this... I need to change... but HOW???
.
The saying is "No (wo)man is an island". But it is hard NOT to feel like an island when so much of my time is spent in isolation and and seperation even when in a crowd. I havent had a best homegirl since when I stayed with my cousin. And I havent had any truly go to friends since my best friend moved to Portland about two years ago.
Even at work I feel off to myself. No one but the new girl ever bothers to ask if I want to go to breakfast or coffee or break or lunch so I usually do all of the above alone.
Socially I go to every event by myself even though I don't have a car and would hope that SOMEONE would offer to take me to or from somewhere. I have a lot of pleasant acquaintences but when the chips are down I don't really have any deep connections.
I did have People Unlimited where I had a place where it was safe to be the me that I have known since I was 16. But even in that crowd I have not made any truly deep connections. The falling out I had with my best friend of that group back in May never healed so that created a seemingly irreperable rift. I did try to reconcile several times but when I am told that emails are ignored and roommates suggest further seperation and breaching the subject just inspires a change of subject, well... I just gave up. Plus my belief in God is a silent unspoken separator.
And then there is my living situation. I live alone (by choice but still). So "home" is a fortress of solitude. It used to be the place where I could recharge and recenter from the hectic outside world. Now it is just one more place to be a party of one.
And yet... the consistency of not being able to count on people for even the smallest of things makes me very hesitant to change this existence where my thought is "if I can't do it myself, it just isn't going to get done" even my furniture is such that I can move alone if necessary (which I did move myself the last three times I moved in the past year). This deep feeling of not being able to count on people in general is creating a very negative space in my existence. The problem is the only thing that will change my perception is examples of the contrary and the fear of inevitable disappointment makes me hesitate to even put anyone in that position in my life.
I'm not sure what to do about this... I need to change... but HOW???
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Wednesday, November 25, 2009
looking at wedding pictures online...
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Looking at pictures of my friend's wedding makes me realize that I was a wife in my soul from age 21-31 and still leaning that way all the way up to April of last year. I had a deep need for the idea of lifelong love to be the truth even though I have known in a different part of myself since I was a teen that I would never marry. I have only recently let go of the thought of marriage as the ideal, the ultimate goal and the truest form of commitment.
I am weeks away from 39 and then only 1 year from 40 so my perspective has become more than a bit cynical. With engagements to "baby-mommas" not turning into family in a legal sense... and even those that did get together finding them suddenly apart in divorce... and the lack of marriage in the adults I grew up with and they would stay together for 10+ years. FYI Christians, It isn't the gays that ruined the sanctity of marriage. It is America's own lack of commitment to ourselves and the way that society and modern life have changed even in my short lifetime.
In my world "till death do us part" is a misnomer because I have known that I will not see death since I was 16 so for me it has always been until he dies or otherwise leaves. Now this phrase is completely invalid as 2009 found me surrounded by people who have discovered and decided to follow that deathlessness in themselves. This is why there can be no marriage in heaven (heaven being that time when all of us stop dying and we are returned to the original pure state of being before death was introduced to human existance). If no one dies the commitment takes on a new meaning entirely. We are whole as individuals and come together only when it is a compliment to both. This is the new life I live.
As a Christian I have been bound by the spiritual idea of marriage and as a woman I have been tied to the social idea that some think that the feminist movement had all but squashed in womankind: that idea that marriage is a completion of our human state of being.
Now this is not to say that I do not still want that comfortable companionship with a mutual commitment. It is just to say that I have no longer attached myself to naming it marriage when the act of marrying has lost so much of its original meaning.
.
Looking at pictures of my friend's wedding makes me realize that I was a wife in my soul from age 21-31 and still leaning that way all the way up to April of last year. I had a deep need for the idea of lifelong love to be the truth even though I have known in a different part of myself since I was a teen that I would never marry. I have only recently let go of the thought of marriage as the ideal, the ultimate goal and the truest form of commitment.
I am weeks away from 39 and then only 1 year from 40 so my perspective has become more than a bit cynical. With engagements to "baby-mommas" not turning into family in a legal sense... and even those that did get together finding them suddenly apart in divorce... and the lack of marriage in the adults I grew up with and they would stay together for 10+ years. FYI Christians, It isn't the gays that ruined the sanctity of marriage. It is America's own lack of commitment to ourselves and the way that society and modern life have changed even in my short lifetime.
In my world "till death do us part" is a misnomer because I have known that I will not see death since I was 16 so for me it has always been until he dies or otherwise leaves. Now this phrase is completely invalid as 2009 found me surrounded by people who have discovered and decided to follow that deathlessness in themselves. This is why there can be no marriage in heaven (heaven being that time when all of us stop dying and we are returned to the original pure state of being before death was introduced to human existance). If no one dies the commitment takes on a new meaning entirely. We are whole as individuals and come together only when it is a compliment to both. This is the new life I live.
As a Christian I have been bound by the spiritual idea of marriage and as a woman I have been tied to the social idea that some think that the feminist movement had all but squashed in womankind: that idea that marriage is a completion of our human state of being.
Now this is not to say that I do not still want that comfortable companionship with a mutual commitment. It is just to say that I have no longer attached myself to naming it marriage when the act of marrying has lost so much of its original meaning.
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Monday, November 16, 2009
Asleep?
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I sleep quietly inside myself sometimes and I find that most of my current life is spent suppressing various emotions. I want to live my life in as little pain as possible and though I know the only way to do this is to allow myself to feel fully there seem to be so few places other than home alone where I feel safe to do so. I am wracked by my God/Self duality of knowing my own power without discounting the power of the intelligence of the universe outside of myself. I have never needed "God" to be the name of this, but I know that it is there and always was and always will be.
Today it is tears because nightshade is so sweet and it takes so much to make me ill but enough of it has that small possibility of killing me. I can't take for granted this gift of life that I was given and I honestly do not want to suffer in it so it is in my best interest to purge myself of poison. And yet... there is still the longing for that particular sweetness that seems to fit the chemistry of my biology... or at least the biology surrounding me that I have been swept away by like a leaf fallen into a wide river.
So here I am twisted by the double helix of my genetics and I am one of the lucky ones. Seeing in the normal life span of my mothers going back generations on both sides not only longevity but also with energy. Living strong until suddenly just stopping. I am not given that stopping. And phrases like "everybody dies someday" don't apply to me so what do I do in the midst of an ordinary world but look for those who are extraordinary?
And yet here I am alone held back by the smallest things in my mind and needing a huge PUSH that no one has any obligation to give me. And here I will sit until I have the strength within to actually get up and put one foot in front of the other. I have probably said this before, but in the end it is all up to me.
.
I sleep quietly inside myself sometimes and I find that most of my current life is spent suppressing various emotions. I want to live my life in as little pain as possible and though I know the only way to do this is to allow myself to feel fully there seem to be so few places other than home alone where I feel safe to do so. I am wracked by my God/Self duality of knowing my own power without discounting the power of the intelligence of the universe outside of myself. I have never needed "God" to be the name of this, but I know that it is there and always was and always will be.
Today it is tears because nightshade is so sweet and it takes so much to make me ill but enough of it has that small possibility of killing me. I can't take for granted this gift of life that I was given and I honestly do not want to suffer in it so it is in my best interest to purge myself of poison. And yet... there is still the longing for that particular sweetness that seems to fit the chemistry of my biology... or at least the biology surrounding me that I have been swept away by like a leaf fallen into a wide river.
So here I am twisted by the double helix of my genetics and I am one of the lucky ones. Seeing in the normal life span of my mothers going back generations on both sides not only longevity but also with energy. Living strong until suddenly just stopping. I am not given that stopping. And phrases like "everybody dies someday" don't apply to me so what do I do in the midst of an ordinary world but look for those who are extraordinary?
And yet here I am alone held back by the smallest things in my mind and needing a huge PUSH that no one has any obligation to give me. And here I will sit until I have the strength within to actually get up and put one foot in front of the other. I have probably said this before, but in the end it is all up to me.
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Thursday, November 12, 2009
Duality
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it is an interesting place for me to be in the middle of two conflicting worlds. Both sides are adamant that the other is dead wrong (literally, DEATH is the end result of being involved. One in a spiritual sense, one in a physical sense). I disagree with both sides on this issue.
The pressure of the people is more of a hassle than the actual place where my own mind, body and spirit are. I have to listen to myself. I have had a guidance my whole life that has led to supernatural things like precognition, telekenesis, clairvoyance, and channelling. Both sides find these things to be false. But for me they are not. So I am with one for my physical and one for my spiritual and I love them both but will not pick one over the other. Both sides can take this how they will. But it will be this way for me. And both sides can want me to show up to prove myself but I will be where I will be and if that is in their physical presence then I hope they will enjoy me when they have me and not put that guilt and obligation on me. This is what makes me stay away from both.
The sad thing is that one side is WAY more likely to be happy with me as I am and welcome me every time they see me back in their company whereas the other is so exclusive that I feel that it will not be that way. They will be civil to me but not embrace me. This is what makes it harder and harder to be in company with part 2 of my being no matter how much I love them and want to be with them. I just don't want to be with them as often as I did in the beginning right now.
The thing is, I am not an island. I need to be around other people who believe similarly because going it by myself does not feel good to me. Separation is death and I am alone on both sides today. I have to be somewhere and I would like to be able to be in both places. I'll just stay where I am until I am sure in my center what to do. When I get a car in January it will be different and I will have more options. I am going to be alive in this body a looooong time so I do need to be sure to do what is best for me now so that I can have the best life. Both side have their opinions and will tell me passionately. In the end I am the only one who truly can know what is best for me.
.
it is an interesting place for me to be in the middle of two conflicting worlds. Both sides are adamant that the other is dead wrong (literally, DEATH is the end result of being involved. One in a spiritual sense, one in a physical sense). I disagree with both sides on this issue.
The pressure of the people is more of a hassle than the actual place where my own mind, body and spirit are. I have to listen to myself. I have had a guidance my whole life that has led to supernatural things like precognition, telekenesis, clairvoyance, and channelling. Both sides find these things to be false. But for me they are not. So I am with one for my physical and one for my spiritual and I love them both but will not pick one over the other. Both sides can take this how they will. But it will be this way for me. And both sides can want me to show up to prove myself but I will be where I will be and if that is in their physical presence then I hope they will enjoy me when they have me and not put that guilt and obligation on me. This is what makes me stay away from both.
The sad thing is that one side is WAY more likely to be happy with me as I am and welcome me every time they see me back in their company whereas the other is so exclusive that I feel that it will not be that way. They will be civil to me but not embrace me. This is what makes it harder and harder to be in company with part 2 of my being no matter how much I love them and want to be with them. I just don't want to be with them as often as I did in the beginning right now.
The thing is, I am not an island. I need to be around other people who believe similarly because going it by myself does not feel good to me. Separation is death and I am alone on both sides today. I have to be somewhere and I would like to be able to be in both places. I'll just stay where I am until I am sure in my center what to do. When I get a car in January it will be different and I will have more options. I am going to be alive in this body a looooong time so I do need to be sure to do what is best for me now so that I can have the best life. Both side have their opinions and will tell me passionately. In the end I am the only one who truly can know what is best for me.
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Tuesday, October 27, 2009
a random thing for today...
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"Strive not to be a success but rather to be of value" ~~ Albert Einstein
What value am I bringing to this world? In what way am I adding to the lives of those around me? This is my LIFE and more than anything I want to live it to the fullest. Not just for my own comfort but for the comfort of those around me.
I suppose that is why I am so viral with my passing on opportunities to my friends. Not everything will work for everyone but who am I not to tell of things I find out about right? I imagine how I would feel if someone did not tell me. So if it is poetry, business, health, immortality, or WHATEVER that is something good... I have to share.
I'm sure there are bigger and better things that I can do more and I definitely will. As my life improves I will always try to find ways to make the world better around me. :-)
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"Strive not to be a success but rather to be of value" ~~ Albert Einstein
What value am I bringing to this world? In what way am I adding to the lives of those around me? This is my LIFE and more than anything I want to live it to the fullest. Not just for my own comfort but for the comfort of those around me.
I suppose that is why I am so viral with my passing on opportunities to my friends. Not everything will work for everyone but who am I not to tell of things I find out about right? I imagine how I would feel if someone did not tell me. So if it is poetry, business, health, immortality, or WHATEVER that is something good... I have to share.
I'm sure there are bigger and better things that I can do more and I definitely will. As my life improves I will always try to find ways to make the world better around me. :-)
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Wednesday, October 14, 2009
3 P's
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So my life is divided up into parts... there is necessity (work = money = food/clothing/shelter = the basics) and then there is what keeps me motivated (we'll call that "positivity")
the Positivity part of my life is my 3 P's:
Poetry, Prepaid Legal, and People Unlimited (currently in that order)
Poetry is my mind and spirit, PrePaid Legal is a positive source of additional income, and People Unlimited is where I learn to live life more full and complete.
It is a delicate balance in my life of necessity and positivity. I am trying to be more positive.
.
So my life is divided up into parts... there is necessity (work = money = food/clothing/shelter = the basics) and then there is what keeps me motivated (we'll call that "positivity")
the Positivity part of my life is my 3 P's:
Poetry, Prepaid Legal, and People Unlimited (currently in that order)
Poetry is my mind and spirit, PrePaid Legal is a positive source of additional income, and People Unlimited is where I learn to live life more full and complete.
It is a delicate balance in my life of necessity and positivity. I am trying to be more positive.
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Sunday, October 11, 2009
Trying to move ahead and take others with me
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Just so no one can say I never mentioned it:
https://www.prepaidlegal.com/hub/mspear
http://greatworkplan.com/ (internet opportunity pre launch with prepaid legal)
I am a very fortunate person.
I wanted prepaid legal for myself because I know that if I had that crystal ball that said I would get pulled over or subpoenaed (sp?) in so many months and was told I could start paying for the lawyer now at only about $30/mo then I would DEFINITELY do it. I know I need legal help with my taxes and debt and I am even going to try to get my fine reversed for the suspended license thing. So I happen to mention it to my friend Ed that I am going to talk to my other friend HB about it. Ed says he sells it and works with HB.
Well I procrastinated just long enough to get an email from HB about a new opportunity that will help people make money via the internet and it's FREE! It will launch either late this month or early next month. But wait there's more! If I become a prepaid legal associate, I can make even MORE money on the internet site AND have the PPL money too! BUT WAIT THERE IS *MORE*!! The fast track program for PrePaid Legal is usually $249 plus memebership AND IT WAS REDUCED TO $72!!!! Dude, WHERE DO I SIGN!!! Seriously.
I have known about Prepaid legal for over 10 years. Known it was a good idea to have the coverage just like car insurance is a good idea and health insurance is a good idea. 24hr access to a lawyer anywhere in the US and Canada and so many features and benefits that you really just need to clicky the linky because it is HUGE what you potentially can get for the little $30/mo. Just the will service ALONE is worth it. But when I first heard of it in Tucson I paid for like a month and then decided other things were more important. And when HB told me about it about 6 yrs ago again I paid for a month or two but let it lapse and the $249 was just too much to shell out all at once to me at that time (it really isnt a lot to start a business but you could't have told me that then).
Oh let me tell you about HB in case you didn't know. Harold Branch III was a starving artist college student when I met him and had really just started with PPL and was already making enough not to need a regular job when he offered the opportunity to me back then. NOW he is nearly at the six figure mark in income. Makes me wish I would have been more ambitious back when he first told me about the opportunity! Imagine where I could be if I had been doing this for 6 years instead of only a week or two!
So understand that if I call you or email you it is out of love because I want as many people to benefit from either having the legal protection or for those of you who want to do the business I would love to see more of my friends with a story like HB's.
with that said...
Due to an unforseen delay in the pre-launch of the website, PREPAID LEGAL IS EXTENDING THE DISCOUNT ON THE FAST TRACK! ONLY $72 AND YOU CAN MAKE MORE MONEY FASTER IN PPL! Plus being in PPL means you can earn more money on the website once it is up. PrePaid Legal Associates get the first two weeks to sign people up and the ONLY way to sign up for the first two weeks is through a prepaid legal associate.
Don't say I have never tried to help y'all. :-)
https://www.prepaidlegal.com/hub/mspear
http://greatworkplan.com/ (internet opportunity pre launch with prepaid legal)
only1miouo@gmail.com
.
Just so no one can say I never mentioned it:
https://www.prepaidlegal.com/hub/mspear
http://greatworkplan.com/ (internet opportunity pre launch with prepaid legal)
I am a very fortunate person.
I wanted prepaid legal for myself because I know that if I had that crystal ball that said I would get pulled over or subpoenaed (sp?) in so many months and was told I could start paying for the lawyer now at only about $30/mo then I would DEFINITELY do it. I know I need legal help with my taxes and debt and I am even going to try to get my fine reversed for the suspended license thing. So I happen to mention it to my friend Ed that I am going to talk to my other friend HB about it. Ed says he sells it and works with HB.
Well I procrastinated just long enough to get an email from HB about a new opportunity that will help people make money via the internet and it's FREE! It will launch either late this month or early next month. But wait there's more! If I become a prepaid legal associate, I can make even MORE money on the internet site AND have the PPL money too! BUT WAIT THERE IS *MORE*!! The fast track program for PrePaid Legal is usually $249 plus memebership AND IT WAS REDUCED TO $72!!!! Dude, WHERE DO I SIGN!!! Seriously.
I have known about Prepaid legal for over 10 years. Known it was a good idea to have the coverage just like car insurance is a good idea and health insurance is a good idea. 24hr access to a lawyer anywhere in the US and Canada and so many features and benefits that you really just need to clicky the linky because it is HUGE what you potentially can get for the little $30/mo. Just the will service ALONE is worth it. But when I first heard of it in Tucson I paid for like a month and then decided other things were more important. And when HB told me about it about 6 yrs ago again I paid for a month or two but let it lapse and the $249 was just too much to shell out all at once to me at that time (it really isnt a lot to start a business but you could't have told me that then).
Oh let me tell you about HB in case you didn't know. Harold Branch III was a starving artist college student when I met him and had really just started with PPL and was already making enough not to need a regular job when he offered the opportunity to me back then. NOW he is nearly at the six figure mark in income. Makes me wish I would have been more ambitious back when he first told me about the opportunity! Imagine where I could be if I had been doing this for 6 years instead of only a week or two!
So understand that if I call you or email you it is out of love because I want as many people to benefit from either having the legal protection or for those of you who want to do the business I would love to see more of my friends with a story like HB's.
with that said...
Due to an unforseen delay in the pre-launch of the website, PREPAID LEGAL IS EXTENDING THE DISCOUNT ON THE FAST TRACK! ONLY $72 AND YOU CAN MAKE MORE MONEY FASTER IN PPL! Plus being in PPL means you can earn more money on the website once it is up. PrePaid Legal Associates get the first two weeks to sign people up and the ONLY way to sign up for the first two weeks is through a prepaid legal associate.
Don't say I have never tried to help y'all. :-)
https://www.prepaidlegal.com/hub/mspear
http://greatworkplan.com/ (internet opportunity pre launch with prepaid legal)
only1miouo@gmail.com
.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
because good things are meant to be shared
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This is a mass communication because I suck at individual contact but at the same time I have a wonderful amazing life! I want to share it with EVERYONE! Otherwise I would just be selfish and stuff right? :-)
1) I AM ALIVE!
OK that may seem obvious because if I wasnt then this would be a very creepy message to receive. :-P but no, this is more than just the status quo of ordinary survival. This is a physical happening! I’m involved with a great organization called People Unlimited (http://www.peopleunlimitedinc.com/ ), which supports people to live without limitations. You should totally check them out because you know that I only allow the most AWESOME people in my world! :-)
2) POETRY!
There are SO many things in poetry going on and I wish I could go to them ALL but that would require warping the space time continuim some nights. I have narrowed myself down to two events the first and 3rd weeks of every month.
I have officially put myself in the running for the Women of the World Poetry Slam (WoWPS) and will be doing my thing at MadCap Theater every 1st and 3rd Thursday. If you plan on coming out to support me it is $5 and we are in the NewTimes theater to the left of the concession stand. (I say we like I work for Black Pearl or something! LOL!)
The other event I will be going to is HomeBase poetry set at the downtown Sheraton every 1st and 3rd Sunday. It is a very lovely set and a wonderfully casual yet upscale atmosphere. If you plan on attending come early when the doors open at 6pm to get your seat and take advantage of the $5 appetizer specials. This is also $5 admission. Hopefully I will see you there! :-)
3) MONEY! (and my legal issues you may not have known about)
I am blessed to have a good relatively high paying temp assignment right now. Even though it is very likely I will be put on another project when this one is done, I am not counting on this job for the longterm. So I have been looking for a relativley passive source of additional income. My good friend HB happened to have an in on a new internet based money maker with ties to over 400 reputable and well known companies. I can't even begin to explain it as well as he does so I wont even try but just suffice it to say that once I get my website hooked up I will be emailing the link for y'all to check it out. Because anything that can make money with no start up or monthly fees is worth at least looking at right? :-)
And my legal issues... I have been dealing with things that originated from the fender bender I got into back in January and really should have gotten some legal help. Fortunately I am amazing and so far have come out on top but I know that I will need help in the future so I decided to get hooked up with Prepaid Legal so that I would have access to legal help 24/7. If you ever sign any contracts or ever will and wish you had a lawyer on your side for ANY reason... you should totally hook up with this! It's like such a weight off my shoulders to have that peace of mind for myself and hey I CARE ABOUT YOU GUYS so I want you to have it too!!! :-)
So back to money... the online thing I was talking about has a special deal that makes you more money if you are a prepaid legal associate and frankly the more things I can write off on my taxes the better (did I ever tell you I owe almost $5k to the IRS and the state? Well, yeah I do.) AND... THIS WEEK THEY HAVE A HUGE DISCOUNT ON THE FAST START PROGRAM!!!! I know it is a good program and I saw my friend HB go from broke poet college student to big money maker (and still a poet but now without the "po". LOL!). So like he likes to say me joining up with PPL: "It just makes sense". So instead of $250-$300 start up costs it's only $99!!! I am so frikken excited about this I could just BURST! With a great company with a great program! HECK YEAH!
I know most you you have super awesome lives but if you know anyone who could benefit from this please pass it on and of course if my name is attached it will totally push me up the ladder on this thing.
And for those of you who want to but say "I just don't have the money" DROP THAT POVERTY CONSCIOUS AND FIND A WAY. but OK... if you can't then still get at me because there is always a way to do things and when that internet thing to make money without spending money goes live I will share that too! :-)
I have to share the good things. I shared God and Jesus when I found them. So why not share the things that benefit THIS life and what we are NOW? :-)
Hoping you all are Blessed, Happy, Healthy, and safe. :-)
~Miouo
.
This is a mass communication because I suck at individual contact but at the same time I have a wonderful amazing life! I want to share it with EVERYONE! Otherwise I would just be selfish and stuff right? :-)
1) I AM ALIVE!
OK that may seem obvious because if I wasnt then this would be a very creepy message to receive. :-P but no, this is more than just the status quo of ordinary survival. This is a physical happening! I’m involved with a great organization called People Unlimited (http://www.peopleunlimitedinc.com/ ), which supports people to live without limitations. You should totally check them out because you know that I only allow the most AWESOME people in my world! :-)
2) POETRY!
There are SO many things in poetry going on and I wish I could go to them ALL but that would require warping the space time continuim some nights. I have narrowed myself down to two events the first and 3rd weeks of every month.
I have officially put myself in the running for the Women of the World Poetry Slam (WoWPS) and will be doing my thing at MadCap Theater every 1st and 3rd Thursday. If you plan on coming out to support me it is $5 and we are in the NewTimes theater to the left of the concession stand. (I say we like I work for Black Pearl or something! LOL!)
The other event I will be going to is HomeBase poetry set at the downtown Sheraton every 1st and 3rd Sunday. It is a very lovely set and a wonderfully casual yet upscale atmosphere. If you plan on attending come early when the doors open at 6pm to get your seat and take advantage of the $5 appetizer specials. This is also $5 admission. Hopefully I will see you there! :-)
3) MONEY! (and my legal issues you may not have known about)
I am blessed to have a good relatively high paying temp assignment right now. Even though it is very likely I will be put on another project when this one is done, I am not counting on this job for the longterm. So I have been looking for a relativley passive source of additional income. My good friend HB happened to have an in on a new internet based money maker with ties to over 400 reputable and well known companies. I can't even begin to explain it as well as he does so I wont even try but just suffice it to say that once I get my website hooked up I will be emailing the link for y'all to check it out. Because anything that can make money with no start up or monthly fees is worth at least looking at right? :-)
And my legal issues... I have been dealing with things that originated from the fender bender I got into back in January and really should have gotten some legal help. Fortunately I am amazing and so far have come out on top but I know that I will need help in the future so I decided to get hooked up with Prepaid Legal so that I would have access to legal help 24/7. If you ever sign any contracts or ever will and wish you had a lawyer on your side for ANY reason... you should totally hook up with this! It's like such a weight off my shoulders to have that peace of mind for myself and hey I CARE ABOUT YOU GUYS so I want you to have it too!!! :-)
So back to money... the online thing I was talking about has a special deal that makes you more money if you are a prepaid legal associate and frankly the more things I can write off on my taxes the better (did I ever tell you I owe almost $5k to the IRS and the state? Well, yeah I do.) AND... THIS WEEK THEY HAVE A HUGE DISCOUNT ON THE FAST START PROGRAM!!!! I know it is a good program and I saw my friend HB go from broke poet college student to big money maker (and still a poet but now without the "po". LOL!). So like he likes to say me joining up with PPL: "It just makes sense". So instead of $250-$300 start up costs it's only $99!!! I am so frikken excited about this I could just BURST! With a great company with a great program! HECK YEAH!
I know most you you have super awesome lives but if you know anyone who could benefit from this please pass it on and of course if my name is attached it will totally push me up the ladder on this thing.
And for those of you who want to but say "I just don't have the money" DROP THAT POVERTY CONSCIOUS AND FIND A WAY. but OK... if you can't then still get at me because there is always a way to do things and when that internet thing to make money without spending money goes live I will share that too! :-)
I have to share the good things. I shared God and Jesus when I found them. So why not share the things that benefit THIS life and what we are NOW? :-)
Hoping you all are Blessed, Happy, Healthy, and safe. :-)
~Miouo
.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Focus
I won't be at the event tonight because I have to work so I emailed Jim, Bernie, and Chuck...
Hello Chuck Bernie and Jim! :-)
I wanted to send an email since I will not be able to be in the meeting tonight. I was thinking last night after talking with Javier and Matthew about things in me that I am so thankful that from the very first meeting I have always been with you guys. I came into that room not 100% sure if I would feel what was going on but I knew that I had to at least see if you really matched me.
I remember how much I felt being able to express in that very first meeting things about my differences physiologically that I never spoke out loud because my mind thought it was crazy. You guys make a safe place, and I love that!
Yesterday I posted on facebook the poem that recited the very first meeting back in December and I feel it even more clearly now than I did then. Sure, I have splits and places to break through and cross over just like everyone, but I am so glad that I have always had a clear focus: Bernie, Jim, and Chuck!
I am so glad that I have you guys and that with your guidance I am able to be more and feel myself and just do more in life and LIVE MORE! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
I will miss everyone tonight while I am at work.
Love and hugs,
Miouo
Hello Chuck Bernie and Jim! :-)
I wanted to send an email since I will not be able to be in the meeting tonight. I was thinking last night after talking with Javier and Matthew about things in me that I am so thankful that from the very first meeting I have always been with you guys. I came into that room not 100% sure if I would feel what was going on but I knew that I had to at least see if you really matched me.
I remember how much I felt being able to express in that very first meeting things about my differences physiologically that I never spoke out loud because my mind thought it was crazy. You guys make a safe place, and I love that!
Yesterday I posted on facebook the poem that recited the very first meeting back in December and I feel it even more clearly now than I did then. Sure, I have splits and places to break through and cross over just like everyone, but I am so glad that I have always had a clear focus: Bernie, Jim, and Chuck!
I am so glad that I have you guys and that with your guidance I am able to be more and feel myself and just do more in life and LIVE MORE! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
I will miss everyone tonight while I am at work.
Love and hugs,
Miouo
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
poem: concerto
.
this is that wistful note to the last song you will ever hear
and realizing that forever will be in silence without music
this is that heartache of ages where there is no hope
and afterlives are carved from dreams of "a better place"
they all want to be there, away from the simple thing called life
who the fuck broke our souls into these tiny pieces?
rolled over our best selves and drowned peace in lies
how did we get left behind to fend for something unknown
so I know only my skin and am only acquainted with my bones
I choose to hear the song in the flowing of my blood
this is my tune and I will never live in silence with this
there will always be rushing and beating and breathing
no one but me can take away the drums of my own flesh
I am the one who owns this eternal symphony of self
and I will stay here in my body to conduct the opus
.
this is that wistful note to the last song you will ever hear
and realizing that forever will be in silence without music
this is that heartache of ages where there is no hope
and afterlives are carved from dreams of "a better place"
they all want to be there, away from the simple thing called life
who the fuck broke our souls into these tiny pieces?
rolled over our best selves and drowned peace in lies
how did we get left behind to fend for something unknown
so I know only my skin and am only acquainted with my bones
I choose to hear the song in the flowing of my blood
this is my tune and I will never live in silence with this
there will always be rushing and beating and breathing
no one but me can take away the drums of my own flesh
I am the one who owns this eternal symphony of self
and I will stay here in my body to conduct the opus
.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
things that make poetry hard to read or listen to... so much death...
.
From Facebook:
The Puddle
5/4/09 at 12:37pm
by John "Survivor" Blake
And when I stood still for the sun
I began to soften, felt cracks fill
with skin melting into itself, saw
the curb rising as I sunk, raised
my palms to see the lifelines
bend and blend to show me
how all lives have this shape,
So I lye on concrete, a puddle,
and the sun stroked my face
until the sky called my name
just before I poured over
into the gutter, short
of staying in the street.
I evaporated, rose
to see this world from
a God's view, what
I could never see
from the planes.
I don't think Heaven a place
Heaven
is the perspective given
to hearts willing to die
and live another life
********************************************
N M Nance at 12:52pm May 5
beautiful poem even though I don't agree with having to die to live another life. I believe in being constantly reborn in the skin your in and skipping all that dying nonsense.
but still a well written piece of art.
.
From Facebook:
The Puddle
5/4/09 at 12:37pm
by John "Survivor" Blake
And when I stood still for the sun
I began to soften, felt cracks fill
with skin melting into itself, saw
the curb rising as I sunk, raised
my palms to see the lifelines
bend and blend to show me
how all lives have this shape,
So I lye on concrete, a puddle,
and the sun stroked my face
until the sky called my name
just before I poured over
into the gutter, short
of staying in the street.
I evaporated, rose
to see this world from
a God's view, what
I could never see
from the planes.
I don't think Heaven a place
Heaven
is the perspective given
to hearts willing to die
and live another life
********************************************
N M Nance at 12:52pm May 5
beautiful poem even though I don't agree with having to die to live another life. I believe in being constantly reborn in the skin your in and skipping all that dying nonsense.
but still a well written piece of art.
.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
I am physically immortal... NOW!
.
I suppose it would be good to start at the beginning first ... WHO WAS I BEFORE??
The old life was ordinary in many ways... extraordinary in others. There is so much to the story of who I used to be that I feel like it would take a book to explain me... let me try to give the "Cliff's Notes" version...
I was born in 1971 in a county hospital in the small southern Oregon town of Grant's Pass to a hippy woman and a Black man transplant turned lumberjack. I lived with them until my father left when I was four. My mother took the trip south to Arizona where she went to a few years of college at ASU and reconnected with her ex-husband who became my step-father. Said step was a drug user and eventually abuser and eventually abused my mother as well. My mother finally got fed up when I was sixteen and my brother who she had with the step-father was 8. I pretty much never left home except for brief spots here and there at ages 20 and 21. My mother moved to mexico in 1999. I had experiences that led me to Phoenix in 2002.
Now I am here.
Where I feel I really begin is October 2008. A strong need to shed ALL that I ever was came over me as I began feeling myself more and more on a physical level (read the prior entry to see more detail on this). Then in December 2008 I joined with People Unlimited to be with people who can understand the journey of the body more clearly.
So here I am... living as best I can in my current state and ever-changing and evolving into something new. I am looking forward to the great things to come!
.
of physical immortality...
.
So I decided to put the story of my journey in physical immortality here in this blog. I mention it in my other blog but I think it gets lost in between the day to day things of life.
Below are the immortality related items from entries from my livejournal blog all in one place... this is my new life story so that I can remember how far I have come even in these short five months of meeting Chuck, Bernie, and Jim and becoming a part of People Unlimited. And to see how I move in the months to come.
Things I have written in my other blog...
DECEMBER 2008
Dec. 16th, 2008
Monday: People Unlimited
Life has changed. Forever has changed. There is so much more even with as much as I have been letting go of. In all the pushing and releasing I have done in my life lately seems to have made room for a whole new thing. My body already knew what my mind did not comprehend. It's going to be an interesting journey.
Friday: People Unlimited
I totally forgot about the thing on Friday that Jessica et all were in and hung out with my other non-poetry family. I love them too but usually only on Mondays when there is little to no poetry.
Monday: sick day / People Unlimited at nite
I stayed home and FINALLY rested after all the fabulously fun running around and overtime I have been doing for weeks. I did run a few errands in the afternoon though. Felt good enough in the evening to go to people unlimited which is always cool. The largest collection of amazing people in one room ever. Which considering how much I love all the poetry people is saying a LOT.
RE Matthew
he is he and I am me and we are friends who love and will be friends in a kind of forever that can't be fathomed by the standard mortal mind. It didnt start that way.
It started with a new poetry friend that quickly became a new flirt friend (I cant be a cougar and not pounce on the fresh meat right?) who asked me to hang with him one saturday nite and manhood had him not turn me down for overnite (no sex). So OK we both knew that the attraction only went so far. But if you have met him and have ANY male orientated attraction in you, then you know he has that certain inexplicable SOMETHING. His intensity, an almost palpable passion for life. There it is right there. he is ALIVE in a way that is beyond anything that I have ever known before. I admitted to him that I wanted to be as close to that life and absorb as much of it in a physical sense as he would let me.
then... came the jealousy... NONE OF YOU BITCHES ARE GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM. I mean, I know that in the end as amazing as he is and as powerful as his personality is, he is still just a man... and yet... unless you're immortal, you are so not good enough. call him when you stop dying and then I will be impressed.
Dec. 27th, 2008
so life has been pretty constant. overtime at work, bellydancing, a bit of poetry here and there, and spending a lot of time with a group of people who are so amazing it is like waiting for the other shoe to drop to see the crack in all this positive vibe action. they are a pretty solid group of folk.
JANUARY 2009
Jan. 3rd, 2009
a few months ago I felt an overwhelming need for EVERYTHING about me to change. Included in that was the get rid of furniture soon to be followed by the get rid of the clothes but in between has this raw foods vegan thing going on.
it is doing something I have never done, and it is for my body. This body is a fiesty lady let me tell you...
so OK you all already know that I dont age because never married, no kids, black don't crack, no drugs, no alcohol, no smoking, barely any sex (like once every other YEAR), etc... well lately I have been looking in the mirror and feel like not only am I not aging but I AM ACTUALLY GETTING YOUNGER. no frikken joke. crazy right? I thought so too. but... I am always up for a challenge and was like OK Miss Body whatever you are doing I'm going with it.
The raw foods vegan was part of the body plan to cleanse and create a new foundation for continuous regeneration at a cellular level. So I am thinking for the next 70-100 years I will always look 15-25 years younger than my chronological age (until I look 65 or so when I am 80 then the "grey zone" would hit and I would stay the same until I die)... well... that is what I was THINKING was the deal... until...
Physical Immortality. NO F*CKING JOKE. just.not.dying. SO that is where this road is leading and I know that for the next 50-60 years the bastards are going to be watching me closely waiting for my demise... and the true people will cheer me on and support me in my eternal youth (or however immortality manifests) and maybe even join me. we'll see. :-)
Jan. 22nd, 2009
I have this really great support system that is not just about money but more about my physical well being and also emotional well being. LIFE coaching. It's great so far and I imagine will only get better as I work on my life. :-)
Jan. 31st, 2009
I had a little joy last night listening to people talk about the importance of being direct but tempering that directness with a care for the person you are being direct with. Tempering it with a care for their LIFE. Especially the life of someone in that 150+ group. That is why we are all there. For LIFE.
I wanted to express PLEASE no one in that room to ever hold back on me. I'd rather they hurt my feelings or offend me rather than think something I'm doing is not for my life or is not whatever. but I didnt. The event went late as it was. but it was really good. There is so much care given to be sure to tell how much we appreciate each other. To point out all the amazing things we see in each other. But then there is this other thing apparantly where we hide the bad. FACE EVERYTHING. AVOID NOTHING. It was good. I'm glad I got a ride to go.
SO... Now to build from here and move FORWARD and UPWARD.
about the ride...
Got a ride to the people unlimited meeting in the evening. I was hoping to perhaps bond with a new friend (friend only though - some readers need that clarification) on the trip to and from but we are not on that vibe with each other apparantly and with me being out of focus because of the car thing and him not being a super talkative person like the matthew, well... made for a quiet ride. Not like if I had rode with one of the other folk that I know in the group. But bless him anyway for coming all the way from Chandler to get me.
FEBRUARY 2009
valentines and a very nice party at the Down Under Wines by the Chandler Fashion Mall (even with the drama around the matthew friend's now ex-girlfriend)... somewhere in there I bumped into a former co-worker and we have been in contact but have yet to hang out... and of course People Unlimited meetings mixed in there... Speaking of People Unlimited, they gave me the $400 for the deposit on my car repair. WOOT! :-) ... so the car is fixed and one of my unlimited peeps offered to loan me the money to get it out. which reminds me I need to call him ASAP and make that arrangement.
MARCH 2009
Mar. 8th, 2009
There are places in me that I am not sure about.
I am living with the duality of my poetry versus my immortality.
I had felt that my words would outlive me and even if only a few saw these word children of mine then that would be enough. I have a soul that is not longing to be free of this body vessel but at the same time I am crippled by the sentimentality of the poet that is my current defining characteristic. Who am I as a poet if I can not reach into the hearts of the readers and listeners and touch the places they hold most dear? How can I get to these places if I do not know how to get there within myself? I have heard the common themes of death and hurt and even joy and love (wrapped in obligation and attachment in most cases even when romance is paired with happiness) and I feel these so deeply. Letting go of some of the aspects of this intensity that I have grown to love so much is important to be able to move freely and yet I have loved the extremes of emotion so long that I am finding this transition difficult.
I am so small in this big world. I feel so small today. I can see into the universe inside me and see the vastness of the energy that makes me who I am but it does not flow from me in a way that feels useful. sometimes it is so close to my fingertips but I haven't got the energy to stretch to reach that last inch. I am quiet and alone at home with no ambition but to read my friends' blogs online and love them from afar. Tomorrow I will make my way to the place that revives my cells and gives me a bit of energy. I have to do this every Monday and Friday. I have to see these people's faces. All these amazing people and I have to remind myself that my finding them was no accident. I have been trying to remind myself that I am there because I am amazing too.
Mar. 12th, 2009
Lauren apparantly never reads my livejournal even tho I comment in hers from time to time. She doesnt realize that I am in the same group as the matthew friend. Because apparantly he is in a cult. She has never met these people and doesnt know who or what they are or the dynamic of what we do for each other. I am mostly on the recieving end right now with them because of how my life is but I know that eventually I will be able to be a more giving member of a group that is not family or any other "normal" dynamic but is way better. SO... if being alive and going for my life to the fullest means that I am in a cult. I'll be that. F*ck it.
Mar. 18th, 2009
Who has a group of people who have a common goal of life and look at each individual in the group with the purpose of making their life the best possible?
*raises hand*
I DO! :-)
Yeah so life is not PERFECT (whatever that is) and I am trying to move so that I can have, be, and do more. But I know I have a solid support group who I have to get over the pride and actually ask for help when I need it.
I have a friend who is from Israel and she offered to rent me her car until she gets back (about 3 weeks). It actually feels weird to have a car again. It still does not fix the fact that I cant pay for my car. But at least I am more mobile.
Mar. 26th, 2009
I had a great weekend with my People Unlimited... a 4-day weekend event (Fri-Mon) where we talked about health and money and relationships and how to do better with all of the above. So frikken cool. I am determined to move in positive directions ...NOW!
Sunday night after the event a bunch of us went to Dave and Busters in the desert ridge shopping center. I wasnt going to bowl but my friend Audrey paid for me and it was SO FUN! AND I WON THE FIRST GAME! Not like I was really paying attention to the score at all. Just someone said "you won Miouo" and well whaddayaknow I did! OK so it was only an 84 game and NONE of us were bowlers AT ALL and it was just for fun but yeah, I like winning! :-P
The second game I forget who won now but I remember she had 82 and I had 81. 300 bowlers we ain't! The guys (and Audrey) were on the other lane. I didn't even look at their scores. I think they all were in the high 100-200 range. :-)
.
So I decided to put the story of my journey in physical immortality here in this blog. I mention it in my other blog but I think it gets lost in between the day to day things of life.
Below are the immortality related items from entries from my livejournal blog all in one place... this is my new life story so that I can remember how far I have come even in these short five months of meeting Chuck, Bernie, and Jim and becoming a part of People Unlimited. And to see how I move in the months to come.
Things I have written in my other blog...
DECEMBER 2008
Dec. 16th, 2008
Monday: People Unlimited
Life has changed. Forever has changed. There is so much more even with as much as I have been letting go of. In all the pushing and releasing I have done in my life lately seems to have made room for a whole new thing. My body already knew what my mind did not comprehend. It's going to be an interesting journey.
Friday: People Unlimited
I totally forgot about the thing on Friday that Jessica et all were in and hung out with my other non-poetry family. I love them too but usually only on Mondays when there is little to no poetry.
Monday: sick day / People Unlimited at nite
I stayed home and FINALLY rested after all the fabulously fun running around and overtime I have been doing for weeks. I did run a few errands in the afternoon though. Felt good enough in the evening to go to people unlimited which is always cool. The largest collection of amazing people in one room ever. Which considering how much I love all the poetry people is saying a LOT.
RE Matthew
he is he and I am me and we are friends who love and will be friends in a kind of forever that can't be fathomed by the standard mortal mind. It didnt start that way.
It started with a new poetry friend that quickly became a new flirt friend (I cant be a cougar and not pounce on the fresh meat right?) who asked me to hang with him one saturday nite and manhood had him not turn me down for overnite (no sex). So OK we both knew that the attraction only went so far. But if you have met him and have ANY male orientated attraction in you, then you know he has that certain inexplicable SOMETHING. His intensity, an almost palpable passion for life. There it is right there. he is ALIVE in a way that is beyond anything that I have ever known before. I admitted to him that I wanted to be as close to that life and absorb as much of it in a physical sense as he would let me.
then... came the jealousy... NONE OF YOU BITCHES ARE GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM. I mean, I know that in the end as amazing as he is and as powerful as his personality is, he is still just a man... and yet... unless you're immortal, you are so not good enough. call him when you stop dying and then I will be impressed.
Dec. 27th, 2008
so life has been pretty constant. overtime at work, bellydancing, a bit of poetry here and there, and spending a lot of time with a group of people who are so amazing it is like waiting for the other shoe to drop to see the crack in all this positive vibe action. they are a pretty solid group of folk.
JANUARY 2009
Jan. 3rd, 2009
a few months ago I felt an overwhelming need for EVERYTHING about me to change. Included in that was the get rid of furniture soon to be followed by the get rid of the clothes but in between has this raw foods vegan thing going on.
it is doing something I have never done, and it is for my body. This body is a fiesty lady let me tell you...
so OK you all already know that I dont age because never married, no kids, black don't crack, no drugs, no alcohol, no smoking, barely any sex (like once every other YEAR), etc... well lately I have been looking in the mirror and feel like not only am I not aging but I AM ACTUALLY GETTING YOUNGER. no frikken joke. crazy right? I thought so too. but... I am always up for a challenge and was like OK Miss Body whatever you are doing I'm going with it.
The raw foods vegan was part of the body plan to cleanse and create a new foundation for continuous regeneration at a cellular level. So I am thinking for the next 70-100 years I will always look 15-25 years younger than my chronological age (until I look 65 or so when I am 80 then the "grey zone" would hit and I would stay the same until I die)... well... that is what I was THINKING was the deal... until...
Physical Immortality. NO F*CKING JOKE. just.not.dying. SO that is where this road is leading and I know that for the next 50-60 years the bastards are going to be watching me closely waiting for my demise... and the true people will cheer me on and support me in my eternal youth (or however immortality manifests) and maybe even join me. we'll see. :-)
Jan. 22nd, 2009
I have this really great support system that is not just about money but more about my physical well being and also emotional well being. LIFE coaching. It's great so far and I imagine will only get better as I work on my life. :-)
Jan. 31st, 2009
I had a little joy last night listening to people talk about the importance of being direct but tempering that directness with a care for the person you are being direct with. Tempering it with a care for their LIFE. Especially the life of someone in that 150+ group. That is why we are all there. For LIFE.
I wanted to express PLEASE no one in that room to ever hold back on me. I'd rather they hurt my feelings or offend me rather than think something I'm doing is not for my life or is not whatever. but I didnt. The event went late as it was. but it was really good. There is so much care given to be sure to tell how much we appreciate each other. To point out all the amazing things we see in each other. But then there is this other thing apparantly where we hide the bad. FACE EVERYTHING. AVOID NOTHING. It was good. I'm glad I got a ride to go.
SO... Now to build from here and move FORWARD and UPWARD.
about the ride...
Got a ride to the people unlimited meeting in the evening. I was hoping to perhaps bond with a new friend (friend only though - some readers need that clarification) on the trip to and from but we are not on that vibe with each other apparantly and with me being out of focus because of the car thing and him not being a super talkative person like the matthew, well... made for a quiet ride. Not like if I had rode with one of the other folk that I know in the group. But bless him anyway for coming all the way from Chandler to get me.
FEBRUARY 2009
valentines and a very nice party at the Down Under Wines by the Chandler Fashion Mall (even with the drama around the matthew friend's now ex-girlfriend)... somewhere in there I bumped into a former co-worker and we have been in contact but have yet to hang out... and of course People Unlimited meetings mixed in there... Speaking of People Unlimited, they gave me the $400 for the deposit on my car repair. WOOT! :-) ... so the car is fixed and one of my unlimited peeps offered to loan me the money to get it out. which reminds me I need to call him ASAP and make that arrangement.
MARCH 2009
Mar. 8th, 2009
There are places in me that I am not sure about.
I am living with the duality of my poetry versus my immortality.
I had felt that my words would outlive me and even if only a few saw these word children of mine then that would be enough. I have a soul that is not longing to be free of this body vessel but at the same time I am crippled by the sentimentality of the poet that is my current defining characteristic. Who am I as a poet if I can not reach into the hearts of the readers and listeners and touch the places they hold most dear? How can I get to these places if I do not know how to get there within myself? I have heard the common themes of death and hurt and even joy and love (wrapped in obligation and attachment in most cases even when romance is paired with happiness) and I feel these so deeply. Letting go of some of the aspects of this intensity that I have grown to love so much is important to be able to move freely and yet I have loved the extremes of emotion so long that I am finding this transition difficult.
I am so small in this big world. I feel so small today. I can see into the universe inside me and see the vastness of the energy that makes me who I am but it does not flow from me in a way that feels useful. sometimes it is so close to my fingertips but I haven't got the energy to stretch to reach that last inch. I am quiet and alone at home with no ambition but to read my friends' blogs online and love them from afar. Tomorrow I will make my way to the place that revives my cells and gives me a bit of energy. I have to do this every Monday and Friday. I have to see these people's faces. All these amazing people and I have to remind myself that my finding them was no accident. I have been trying to remind myself that I am there because I am amazing too.
Mar. 12th, 2009
Lauren apparantly never reads my livejournal even tho I comment in hers from time to time. She doesnt realize that I am in the same group as the matthew friend. Because apparantly he is in a cult. She has never met these people and doesnt know who or what they are or the dynamic of what we do for each other. I am mostly on the recieving end right now with them because of how my life is but I know that eventually I will be able to be a more giving member of a group that is not family or any other "normal" dynamic but is way better. SO... if being alive and going for my life to the fullest means that I am in a cult. I'll be that. F*ck it.
Mar. 18th, 2009
Who has a group of people who have a common goal of life and look at each individual in the group with the purpose of making their life the best possible?
*raises hand*
I DO! :-)
Yeah so life is not PERFECT (whatever that is) and I am trying to move so that I can have, be, and do more. But I know I have a solid support group who I have to get over the pride and actually ask for help when I need it.
I have a friend who is from Israel and she offered to rent me her car until she gets back (about 3 weeks). It actually feels weird to have a car again. It still does not fix the fact that I cant pay for my car. But at least I am more mobile.
Mar. 26th, 2009
I had a great weekend with my People Unlimited... a 4-day weekend event (Fri-Mon) where we talked about health and money and relationships and how to do better with all of the above. So frikken cool. I am determined to move in positive directions ...NOW!
Sunday night after the event a bunch of us went to Dave and Busters in the desert ridge shopping center. I wasnt going to bowl but my friend Audrey paid for me and it was SO FUN! AND I WON THE FIRST GAME! Not like I was really paying attention to the score at all. Just someone said "you won Miouo" and well whaddayaknow I did! OK so it was only an 84 game and NONE of us were bowlers AT ALL and it was just for fun but yeah, I like winning! :-P
The second game I forget who won now but I remember she had 82 and I had 81. 300 bowlers we ain't! The guys (and Audrey) were on the other lane. I didn't even look at their scores. I think they all were in the high 100-200 range. :-)
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Friday, January 30, 2009
And so it begins...
I have more blog spaces than any one person should and yet I have created one here as well. An acquaintence or two or more have pages here and really I just created this to be able to comment now and then. So perhaps one day this space will hold something interesting. Or perhaps not.
I can offer more items of interest on https://myspace.com/poetrybyniccolea if you would like to see them.
Ta,
Niccolea M Nance
I can offer more items of interest on https://myspace.com/poetrybyniccolea if you would like to see them.
Ta,
Niccolea M Nance
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