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Looking at pictures of my friend's wedding makes me realize that I was a wife in my soul from age 21-31 and still leaning that way all the way up to April of last year. I had a deep need for the idea of lifelong love to be the truth even though I have known in a different part of myself since I was a teen that I would never marry. I have only recently let go of the thought of marriage as the ideal, the ultimate goal and the truest form of commitment.
I am weeks away from 39 and then only 1 year from 40 so my perspective has become more than a bit cynical. With engagements to "baby-mommas" not turning into family in a legal sense... and even those that did get together finding them suddenly apart in divorce... and the lack of marriage in the adults I grew up with and they would stay together for 10+ years. FYI Christians, It isn't the gays that ruined the sanctity of marriage. It is America's own lack of commitment to ourselves and the way that society and modern life have changed even in my short lifetime.
In my world "till death do us part" is a misnomer because I have known that I will not see death since I was 16 so for me it has always been until he dies or otherwise leaves. Now this phrase is completely invalid as 2009 found me surrounded by people who have discovered and decided to follow that deathlessness in themselves. This is why there can be no marriage in heaven (heaven being that time when all of us stop dying and we are returned to the original pure state of being before death was introduced to human existance). If no one dies the commitment takes on a new meaning entirely. We are whole as individuals and come together only when it is a compliment to both. This is the new life I live.
As a Christian I have been bound by the spiritual idea of marriage and as a woman I have been tied to the social idea that some think that the feminist movement had all but squashed in womankind: that idea that marriage is a completion of our human state of being.
Now this is not to say that I do not still want that comfortable companionship with a mutual commitment. It is just to say that I have no longer attached myself to naming it marriage when the act of marrying has lost so much of its original meaning.
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Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Asleep?
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I sleep quietly inside myself sometimes and I find that most of my current life is spent suppressing various emotions. I want to live my life in as little pain as possible and though I know the only way to do this is to allow myself to feel fully there seem to be so few places other than home alone where I feel safe to do so. I am wracked by my God/Self duality of knowing my own power without discounting the power of the intelligence of the universe outside of myself. I have never needed "God" to be the name of this, but I know that it is there and always was and always will be.
Today it is tears because nightshade is so sweet and it takes so much to make me ill but enough of it has that small possibility of killing me. I can't take for granted this gift of life that I was given and I honestly do not want to suffer in it so it is in my best interest to purge myself of poison. And yet... there is still the longing for that particular sweetness that seems to fit the chemistry of my biology... or at least the biology surrounding me that I have been swept away by like a leaf fallen into a wide river.
So here I am twisted by the double helix of my genetics and I am one of the lucky ones. Seeing in the normal life span of my mothers going back generations on both sides not only longevity but also with energy. Living strong until suddenly just stopping. I am not given that stopping. And phrases like "everybody dies someday" don't apply to me so what do I do in the midst of an ordinary world but look for those who are extraordinary?
And yet here I am alone held back by the smallest things in my mind and needing a huge PUSH that no one has any obligation to give me. And here I will sit until I have the strength within to actually get up and put one foot in front of the other. I have probably said this before, but in the end it is all up to me.
.
I sleep quietly inside myself sometimes and I find that most of my current life is spent suppressing various emotions. I want to live my life in as little pain as possible and though I know the only way to do this is to allow myself to feel fully there seem to be so few places other than home alone where I feel safe to do so. I am wracked by my God/Self duality of knowing my own power without discounting the power of the intelligence of the universe outside of myself. I have never needed "God" to be the name of this, but I know that it is there and always was and always will be.
Today it is tears because nightshade is so sweet and it takes so much to make me ill but enough of it has that small possibility of killing me. I can't take for granted this gift of life that I was given and I honestly do not want to suffer in it so it is in my best interest to purge myself of poison. And yet... there is still the longing for that particular sweetness that seems to fit the chemistry of my biology... or at least the biology surrounding me that I have been swept away by like a leaf fallen into a wide river.
So here I am twisted by the double helix of my genetics and I am one of the lucky ones. Seeing in the normal life span of my mothers going back generations on both sides not only longevity but also with energy. Living strong until suddenly just stopping. I am not given that stopping. And phrases like "everybody dies someday" don't apply to me so what do I do in the midst of an ordinary world but look for those who are extraordinary?
And yet here I am alone held back by the smallest things in my mind and needing a huge PUSH that no one has any obligation to give me. And here I will sit until I have the strength within to actually get up and put one foot in front of the other. I have probably said this before, but in the end it is all up to me.
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Thursday, November 12, 2009
Duality
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it is an interesting place for me to be in the middle of two conflicting worlds. Both sides are adamant that the other is dead wrong (literally, DEATH is the end result of being involved. One in a spiritual sense, one in a physical sense). I disagree with both sides on this issue.
The pressure of the people is more of a hassle than the actual place where my own mind, body and spirit are. I have to listen to myself. I have had a guidance my whole life that has led to supernatural things like precognition, telekenesis, clairvoyance, and channelling. Both sides find these things to be false. But for me they are not. So I am with one for my physical and one for my spiritual and I love them both but will not pick one over the other. Both sides can take this how they will. But it will be this way for me. And both sides can want me to show up to prove myself but I will be where I will be and if that is in their physical presence then I hope they will enjoy me when they have me and not put that guilt and obligation on me. This is what makes me stay away from both.
The sad thing is that one side is WAY more likely to be happy with me as I am and welcome me every time they see me back in their company whereas the other is so exclusive that I feel that it will not be that way. They will be civil to me but not embrace me. This is what makes it harder and harder to be in company with part 2 of my being no matter how much I love them and want to be with them. I just don't want to be with them as often as I did in the beginning right now.
The thing is, I am not an island. I need to be around other people who believe similarly because going it by myself does not feel good to me. Separation is death and I am alone on both sides today. I have to be somewhere and I would like to be able to be in both places. I'll just stay where I am until I am sure in my center what to do. When I get a car in January it will be different and I will have more options. I am going to be alive in this body a looooong time so I do need to be sure to do what is best for me now so that I can have the best life. Both side have their opinions and will tell me passionately. In the end I am the only one who truly can know what is best for me.
.
it is an interesting place for me to be in the middle of two conflicting worlds. Both sides are adamant that the other is dead wrong (literally, DEATH is the end result of being involved. One in a spiritual sense, one in a physical sense). I disagree with both sides on this issue.
The pressure of the people is more of a hassle than the actual place where my own mind, body and spirit are. I have to listen to myself. I have had a guidance my whole life that has led to supernatural things like precognition, telekenesis, clairvoyance, and channelling. Both sides find these things to be false. But for me they are not. So I am with one for my physical and one for my spiritual and I love them both but will not pick one over the other. Both sides can take this how they will. But it will be this way for me. And both sides can want me to show up to prove myself but I will be where I will be and if that is in their physical presence then I hope they will enjoy me when they have me and not put that guilt and obligation on me. This is what makes me stay away from both.
The sad thing is that one side is WAY more likely to be happy with me as I am and welcome me every time they see me back in their company whereas the other is so exclusive that I feel that it will not be that way. They will be civil to me but not embrace me. This is what makes it harder and harder to be in company with part 2 of my being no matter how much I love them and want to be with them. I just don't want to be with them as often as I did in the beginning right now.
The thing is, I am not an island. I need to be around other people who believe similarly because going it by myself does not feel good to me. Separation is death and I am alone on both sides today. I have to be somewhere and I would like to be able to be in both places. I'll just stay where I am until I am sure in my center what to do. When I get a car in January it will be different and I will have more options. I am going to be alive in this body a looooong time so I do need to be sure to do what is best for me now so that I can have the best life. Both side have their opinions and will tell me passionately. In the end I am the only one who truly can know what is best for me.
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