Asleep?

.

I sleep quietly inside myself sometimes and I find that most of my current life is spent suppressing various emotions. I want to live my life in as little pain as possible and though I know the only way to do this is to allow myself to feel fully there seem to be so few places other than home alone where I feel safe to do so. I am wracked by my God/Self duality of knowing my own power without discounting the power of the intelligence of the universe outside of myself. I have never needed "God" to be the name of this, but I know that it is there and always was and always will be.

Today it is tears because nightshade is so sweet and it takes so much to make me ill but enough of it has that small possibility of killing me. I can't take for granted this gift of life that I was given and I honestly do not want to suffer in it so it is in my best interest to purge myself of poison. And yet... there is still the longing for that particular sweetness that seems to fit the chemistry of my biology... or at least the biology surrounding me that I have been swept away by like a leaf fallen into a wide river.

So here I am twisted by the double helix of my genetics and I am one of the lucky ones. Seeing in the normal life span of my mothers going back generations on both sides not only longevity but also with energy. Living strong until suddenly just stopping. I am not given that stopping. And phrases like "everybody dies someday" don't apply to me so what do I do in the midst of an ordinary world but look for those who are extraordinary?

And yet here I am alone held back by the smallest things in my mind and needing a huge PUSH that no one has any obligation to give me. And here I will sit until I have the strength within to actually get up and put one foot in front of the other. I have probably said this before, but in the end it is all up to me.

.