Finding the Erasure of My Silence

“By speaking my story I am adding to the erasure of that silence”
~ Poet Jasmine Schlafke on the systematic silencing of marginalized groups

I am a woman, and Black, and diagnosed with clinical depression… and yet… I don’t feel like I have a story. I was a childhood witness to addiction and physical abuse and yet I don’t feel like that witness is enough. I survived date rape but feel like it is not something anyone would want to hear about.

I wonder sometimes how to get past all these blocks in my speech. I don’t know most days how to tell my story or if I try, it comes out so distant from myself that I feel like it is ineffective. I flip flop between wanting to just get it out and into the air, and wanting it to actually be a meaningful help to someone who has also been silent.

Perhaps the inability to tell my past is why I focus on writing my now and my future. Why I create adventure after adventure. I am fire barely controlled. I am a circus act of moderate proportions. I dance to release and sometimes control my feelings. I am a poet and painter and picture taker. I have become a Jill of all trades and a master of none. I become a slave to my own sense of being interesting to the world.

As I write this I am realizing how much I have to tell. I am nearly native to Arizona which is a state nationally notorious for it’s super right winged closed mindedness. How did I grow to be a hetero-flexible person in spite of my self chosen Christianity in a place where the conservative hierarchy makes the rules?

Maybe there is too much to tell. Will I even be able to think about all the things I could tell from before as I am preparing for the future? Once I am on my amazing journey, will I have space in my brain for organizing my many tales into something worth sharing? I honestly don’t know. I just know I have to acknowledge that I actually DO have something to say.

All I really know at this point is that I have to remember who I am at my core. I have to thank every immortal cell in my body and thank all the energy in the universe for all that I  had, all I have, and all I will have. For now, that is what I do to survive this magical carpet ride of life.

CONSENT CULTURE NOW!

There was a lot of conversations around facebook back in October... what I am posting below is what I posted elsewhere at the time but somehow forgot to cross post here to my poor neglected Blogger account.


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Below are my thoughts on the idea of Consent Culture. Because I am primarily heterosexual, this is written from a very hetero-normative perspective. If anyone has any thoughts from the LGBTQ perspective, please comment below. I would love to hear your insight!

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Even with the trigger filled week (or more?) that I have had, I have refused to fully turn away from all of these conversations about rape culture and safer spaces. One thing that really stood out for me was the idea of Consent Culture. The idea that we don’t proceed without the ENTHUSIASTIC YES. Whether it is in friendship, family, business, and of course in love relationships. The idea of Enthusiastic Consent intrigues me. I do know that for now we are still silent. We are operating on the idea of silence as implied consent. I know that I do it a lot in a lot of situations. Of course this week the conversations have been around consent culture as an alternative to rape culture and the context is primarily physical affection and sex. I want to practice the process of enthusiastic consent with my next lover. Can anyone (male or female) thoroughly entrenched in this patriarchal culture of implied consent really respond to the idea of enthusiastic consent? Can I bring myself to speak in those alone moments where the draw of skin lures me into touch? So far… no.

With all these conversations happening all over facebook, I have really examined myself and my habits. I am glad to say that most of my most offensive moments were years ago (back in 2008-2009). There is no reason for me as a woman to think that just because a man unbuttons his shirt that it is OK to rub his man fur. I am aggressively flirtatious. I see the times that I have said WILDLY inappropriate things with definite intentions. I am working on myself in these things and have come a long way since then. I still have a lot of work to do and I am still not actively seeking consent, but I am much better and I am thankful for these hard conversations that keep it in the front of my mind so that my imperfections do not become transgressions.

I have a feeling that people think that women can’t be coersive, but really many of us are the absolute best at psycological manipulation in a lot of cases because we usually don’t have the physical advantage (in hetero-normative situations anyway). Although, I have thrown a guy down once and even though at the time it was just to show that I could do it if I wanted to, right now that action feels more dangerous than I ever want to be again. During these times of hard talks (now and before) I have had male friends tell me of how women have gone against their wishes. I feel women get away with more because we are all conditioned to think there is no way a wittle itty bitty woman could force a man to do anything. But the idea of male ego may override the lack of interest in the act that a woman initiates. I think men do what women do in those situations, turn it around in their head so that they are not weak. Make it an idea of conquest and a compliment. Men are not immune to this even though they are not nearly as victimized (as far as we know).

I do know that as a woman and a survivor I am sensitive to non-verbal cues. The last near sex situation I found myself in I had to stop because the guy was conflicted and although he would pull me to him when I tried to pull back in respect the part of him that didn't know if sex was the right direction to take our friendship. I don’t know for a fact that he was trying to override his hesitation because of male ego and sexual bravado requirements of how our current culture works, but I have a feeling that this mindset probably had a lot to do with it. I told him honestly that I didn't feel like what was happening was fully consensual on his part so stopping had to happen. He conceded and we are still friends. I am thankful for my growth in this area leading me to this even being possible.

So what about the future? My future? How can I as a woman implement this Consent Culture and the idea of Enthusiastic Consent into my next interaction? I’m still growing in this. I still listen and look for the non-verbal cues instead of asking out loud for a voiced confirmation. I will work on this in myself. I hope that we can begin the process of all learning it so that we can be safer and happier.

These things I have considered...

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About The Emuna Endeavor (the sailing trip)... I may be blissfully optimistic in all things... but I am not an idiot... I am quite aware that this will be HARD... the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life both physically and mentally... I am not oblivious to the perils of storm and sea creatures... both the meat eaters that could take us and those that are as big as the vessel my friend and I will be in... I am not unaware that a lot of countries don't like Americans... in every country there are those who barely tolerate Black people (if not outright hate us like here in the USA)... there are whole countries that are violently anti-Jew (especially the obvious Jew-ness of orthodoxy)... I know that living with another human being will be a challenge to learn to work together and to get along and not work each others nerves... to respect each others space as much as can be done in such tight quarters... Don't think for a second that the thought of violent storms doesn't make me nervous if not outright scare... but... all of these things ARE not reasons to abandon the idea of this trip... if anything they sturdy my resolve to DO THIS and build myself as a human being... I find it interesting (and a little sad) that people seem to FIRST mention all the perils (as though I hadn't considered it)... very few have just embraced the fact that I KNOW IT WILL BE HARD AND I AM DOING IT ANYWAY... very few have just said "WOW! That is amazing!" and congratulated me on having something so grand to accomplish in my life... I understand why the worriers worry (worriers gon worry like haters gon hate I guess)... I don't choose to let all of those things crush me... I just choose to eat this elephant one bite at a time and move towards the most fantastic adventure of my life so far!

FYI... we have a goal of 1000 online crew members ("likes")... please like our facebook page and pas it on. :-)
https://www.facebook.com/TheEmunaEndeavor



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This is not a tightrope and I am not an acrobat...

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Lately I have been feeling a tad frazzled with trying to keep track of preparations for the big sailing trip next year (https://www.facebook.com/TheEmunaEndeavor) which for now includes narrowing down my physical belongings, looking up port cities to see where we want to stop, getting a (free) camera to start doing the fundraising video, seeing if any of our current friends know friends in other countries who can connect us to coastal folk that we can befriend and visit (since the whole draw of the trip is to create global community).  I am looking into corporate sponsorship to basically be a floating billboard and youtube ad slot for any company who wants to stand for unifying the world by our commonality instead of dividing us by our differences. I will also be approaching local businesses here in Phoenix as well as in Astoria where Dovid lives and even the port cities we will be visiting here in the USA and abroad. It's a lot of work and I really hope I can get most of it done BEFORE leaving Phoenix in mid January.  I have also been monitoring the twitter and tumblr accounts for the trip and even to a small degree the Google+ and Blogger accounts. Twitter isn't so bad because the facebook and tumblr auto cross post to there, but I do still log on to see if there are new followers or @mentions or direct messages.   Now that I just typed all that out... WHEW that is a LOT of stuff I am doing!

Since I know I am leaving I am cherishing every moment I can with all the people in my life here locally. I am going to as many events as I possibly can. I meet up with people just to connect or even if it is for some other purpose like selling my art, I still spend some moments with the person to connect. I am so super fortunate to have so many wonderfully bright shining lights of kindness and community and people actively doing their dream. Even the new people I am meeting are in line with this energy! So much inspiration around me!

I'm also still working on my poetry... I write all the time. I can't seem to help myself most days. Thoughts come into my head and I type them out and post them on my poetry facebook in the status. If I really like a poem I have written, I will put it in my notes on that page. I also have been queuing my National Poetry Writing Month (NaPoWriMo) poems to my poetry tumblr. At one poem posted per day once I get all my poems from April 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012 that is almost SIX MONTHS of poetry posts! And like with the trip, I also have a poetry twitter account and a poetry Blogger account. Same deal with the poetry twitter, I just log on to check for new follower and @mentions since the tumblr and facebook both cross post there.

Speaking of followers... I am also trying to write each new follower a poem. Which if I had written the poems right away as they came in, no problem... but... I didn't do that so now I have 35 twitter followers and 50 followers on tumblr... D'OH! So I really want to find the time to write those poems too. OH! and I have a banker's box FILLED with poems that if they are hand written I need to see if they are already in soft copy somewhere in my files or online (I send poems to myself via email even if I don't post them anywhere) and even the printed ones I need to make sure I actually still have the soft copy that I printed them from (some I didn't). SO... again... a LOT of stuff I am doing!

Of course there is life outside of preparation, poetry and people... I am a live-in nanny for my friend in exchange for  room and board (I may ask for $30/mo to keep my PayGo phone on too). It's fine most of the time but it can interfere with my social life and my trying to sell my art at events because my friend and her husband are in a band so their gigs are almost always on the nights that things are going on. It's cool when they have a gig that the kids can come to so that I can go with them and watch the kids there, but they mostly play bars so the kids can't go. Which is fine. I am so grateful to have a place to live while I figure out the next phase of my life with this huge trip.

Funny thing about writing this entry... I have had a thought that I am feeling frazzled for no reason, but now that I look at my life all neatly typed out like this, I am seeing that my life is REALLY full. I do take maybe 5-10 minutes in the morning to just be and center before I start my day.. maybe I need to take 15-20 to just sit in grateful mindfulness of my life and all that is in it. <3 p="p">

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Poem: Altered Reality

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I wrote a poem today...




it feels too easy to fake perfection these days
photo shop ourselves into an alternate reality
make everything ugly beautiful
make everything beautiful ugly
we have assigned a new paradigm
but is it really to our benefit

to alter the reality that eventually
we will have to deal with

this wasn't supposed to be about drugs
but about internet memes passing my eyes
then my mind realized the correlation
the connection between fungus and fate
the link between herb and existence
how a horse can race through veins sometimes
and how we swallow the lie of liquid courage

I feel friends all over the country fighting
inside themselves with what they once were
each day a new victory or a new struggle
fallen angels scratching out 3rd eye images
in favor of what seems to be an easier road

I won't pretend to understand their situation
the deep falling into the place where numbness rests
the disappearance of time into the folds of space
how bright things shine brighter
and the darkness falls deeper than infinity

this new bird in the skies of twisted vision
has downy near feathers that can only glide
I have not worked wing muscles to strength
have not used food or rent money for a fix
do not know the dark thoughts that push
over edges that only meditation can cure

who knew stillness could be so hard
to look into that abyss and face oneself

I slid down an acid road into it once
even then I did not face the pain
I only braved my own closed eyes
called visions of sarcastic unicorns named Gary
and pink crowned Haclyon double rainbow summers
they comforted my passage over Styx
as I returned from my inner Hades

I don't have any answers
no way to fix reeds bent by the wind
who don't feel strong enough
to stand straight on their own

I am hoping that somehow
this prayer in poem form can be heard
sent via my spirit to them all
and that right now today
they can feel their own light
and be well
♥

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the long walk home

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T GET WHY I ALWAYS WANT A RIDE HOME AFTER EVENTS & CHOOSE *NOT* TO GO IF I DON'T GET ONE... LET'S TAKE TONIGHT AS AN EXAMPLE OF WHY...

After midnight on a first Friday is not a time I wanted to walk home alone. But since I couldn't find anyone with a car to take me and needed to be up in the morning. I took the risk to walk the 10 blocks.

At about the halfway mark a guy's voice calls out behind me "Hey" and I turn around thinking it was someone I knew from the house party I just passed that a lot of my friends were at. "I'm not trying to be Mister Creepy Guy" says a moderate build man shaped shadow in all black. "If I don't know you, I don't want to talk to you" I say and keep walking. I look back and he's stopped so I keep walking and pick up the pace.

"I'll give you a cigarette!" he calls after me. "I don't smoke!" I call back. "I'll give you $20 and a cigarette" the man shadow says, still following me. "No thanks!" I reply. He still follows. I say "Fuck off!" but he STILL follows me. I reach in my purse and say "I'm pulling out my phone and calling 911" (my phone happened to NOT be in my purse but HE didn't know that). "Go ahead" man shadow says. Creep factor level up 1,000% I cross the street and he crosses as well.

I start screaming at the top of my lungs running down the street towards the nearest house that I knew someone who lived there (about a block away). He STILL followed. There was a woman and man sitting on the front steps of the house across the street from where I was headed and the lady asked me if I was OK. "No! there is some strange guy following me!" She invites me to come and sit with them and I take the offer. Creepy shadow guy walks up to the wall saying "I just wanted to give you $20 & a cigarette" throwing the items mentioned over the gate as he kept walking.

I stayed shaken on the steps of my newfound friends Gia and James while James watched to be sure the guy was actually leaving and not lurking around the corner. He even got on his motorcycle to cruise the block to be absolutely sure. While he was gone Gia offered me a glass of wine and I took it even though I don't normally drink. I laughed it off a bit since the worst seemed to be over "at least I got 20 bucks out of it I guess"

Just as James was back from bike patrol, my friend Zee stopped at the sign in front of the house. I got a ride home from Zee and am now safely in my room typing this... shaken... but safe.

Strange guys approach me and usually "I don't know you" puts them off me. When that doesn't work "Fuck off" usually does... and in the rare occaision that doesn't work, screaming DEFINITELY does... but to run screaming down the street and have this guy do the Michael Myers/Jason slow killer walk behind me was a bit much. I was hoping to get some sleep because I have stuff to do tomorrow, but I don't see sleep coming any time soon at this point.

On things that should not be... (thoughts and a poem)

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First, read this article: http://therumpus.net/2012/08/explicit-violence/

Once you have read it then the rest of this post will be even more clear... 

This: "I didn't tell anyone. In fact, later that year? I went home with him again. On purpose." was the part that for the first time in nine years opened the "I'm not alone" door in my soul... it also made me realize that my nine years of NOT telling my story have robbed so many people of that moment they may have needed. I *still* don't feel strong enough to speak about it from a stage, but I will whisper it like right now... hope whoever needs to know will get this message in a bottle. ♥


COMING UP NORMAL...

she only has one infant memory of it 
a shout
walk away
attack
defend
parental disagreement
diaper baby fear and tears

but then came the step
and the witnessed sex
then later 
more shouting
sometimes with bruises
or hits with no leftovers
mother's issues seen

the little boy
on the playground
hits her arm
runs away
"It's because he likes you"

she wonders about the brokenness
of boys who show love with fists
who don't know how to be kind
the deficiency of heart space
when it can't softly touch
to show affection

why are we this way?
she thinks
why can't we just love?
instead of boys who become men
who's throats close at the truth of it
somehow crush
is a better violence 

it stays this way
boys hitting and running
men hitting and running
but she is grown now
runs too
flight over fight
not wanting 
the badges of honor
her mother bore

once bitten
twice shy 
is for fools she said
once hit
is once gone
out alone rather than stay
rather than be broken
with the boy man
who still can only love with his fist

she does not take discipline 
does not want a father figure who hits
daddy issues aside
she has her pride

but some harm other ways
start out soft and beautiful
like she feels it should be
so she trusts
but then retreats
or tries to
only to be forced
to feel a different kind of violence
a word she still finds hard to say:
rape

"date rape"
"acquaintance rape"
words that mean 
her mind was not allowed 
to change at the last moment
that arms and legs were held down

she blames herself of course
we all do when it is so close to us
what did she wear?
where did she go?
how much did she have to drink?
how far did she let it go?
why didn't she scream?

why didn't she?
somehow experience
did not push down naivete
"this can't be happening"
"he wouldn't really"

Now she looks back
at all those boys
those men 
who loved with fists
echoes their error in her heart
choosing the wrong ones
over and over
quietly pushing her pain further

she thinks about it all
how normal it seems
to be this way
she came of age like this
up and through male violence

decades into adulthood
she wonders
how do we change?
there must be some way
to stop this



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"she came of age like this / up and through male violence" taken directly from the article
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My URL for this blog is http://niccoleapoetry.blogspot.com/ which was OK back when I started this blog thinking I would post some poetry here... but... I have rarely posted poetry on this blog! I post poetry to my facebook, my livejournal, my tumblr, even sometimes to my twitter... but rarely here. So... I will make it a point to post a poem here at least once a week and at least one other poetry related post per week as well... let's see how that goes for me! :-P



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Poor neglected Blogger! An update...

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Aw man! A year gone by and I *still* neglect this blogger... I post on facebook, and tumblr, and even livejournal.com, but not on poor Blogger!

I find it comically ironic that my last post A YEAR AGO was saying that I would stop neglecting this blog... That obviously didn't happen! So... no such promise this year... I'm not even going to lie and say that I will pay more attention over here... We'll see what happens.

And while I'm talking about that post a year ago... I wish I had my stuff together to actually do that nationwide philanthropic poetry tour to help artists learn to better handle money and stay out of or get out of bad debt. I thought I would have. I really did... but... nope. I'll have to get back on that when I am back from my sailing trip.


OOOH THE SAILING TRIP!
So... My BFF invited me to go on his coastal tour of the Americas! We will be starting from his home port in Orgeon and heading to the San Juan Islands off the coast of Washington and working our way down the pacific coast, up into the Sea of Cortez along the Baja peninsula and then back down on the other side on the Mexican coast, down to at least the Panama Canal but maybe even all the way around South America! I am mostly posting on tumblr and facebook with cross posts from those to twitter.

Here are all the places you can find posts about this trip:
https://www.facebook.com/TheEmunaEndeavor
http://emunaendeavor.tumblr.com/
https://twitter.com/EmunaEndeavor (@EmunaEndeavor)

 So follow any or all of the above to keep up with our big adventure! :-)



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