ACCENTUATING THE LONE IDENTITY

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The saying is "No (wo)man is an island". But it is hard NOT to feel like an island when so much of my time is spent in isolation and and seperation even when in a crowd. I havent had a best homegirl since when I stayed with my cousin. And I havent had any truly go to friends since my best friend moved to Portland about two years ago.

Even at work I feel off to myself. No one but the new girl ever bothers to ask if I want to go to breakfast or coffee or break or lunch so I usually do all of the above alone.

Socially I go to every event by myself even though I don't have a car and would hope that SOMEONE would offer to take me to or from somewhere. I have a lot of pleasant acquaintences but when the chips are down I don't really have any deep connections.

I did have People Unlimited where I had a place where it was safe to be the me that I have known since I was 16. But even in that crowd I have not made any truly deep connections. The falling out I had with my best friend of that group back in May never healed so that created a seemingly irreperable rift. I did try to reconcile several times but when I am told that emails are ignored and roommates suggest further seperation and breaching the subject just inspires a change of subject, well... I just gave up. Plus my belief in God is a silent unspoken separator.

And then there is my living situation. I live alone (by choice but still). So "home" is a fortress of solitude. It used to be the place where I could recharge and recenter from the hectic outside world. Now it is just one more place to be a party of one.

And yet... the consistency of not being able to count on people for even the smallest of things makes me very hesitant to change this existence where my thought is "if I can't do it myself, it just isn't going to get done" even my furniture is such that I can move alone if necessary (which I did move myself the last three times I moved in the past year). This deep feeling of not being able to count on people in general is creating a very negative space in my existence. The problem is the only thing that will change my perception is examples of the contrary and the fear of inevitable disappointment makes me hesitate to even put anyone in that position in my life.

I'm not sure what to do about this... I need to change... but HOW???




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